I sit typing to you, my dear and loyal reader, from my cold, ventilated office in the middle of a monsoon downpour in a mood not unlike that time I sat in a traincar for 8 hours, 1 km from final destination. Alas I have lost (or perhaps been pickpocketed of?) my wallet this morning on the short 10-min ride to work. It had survived almost 10 months, was beaten and battered, had been made fun of a dozen or so times for being my "man purse" but had held up (not to mention various cards, cash, and coins) astonishingly well and I had hoped it would last me my final few days. There goes my only ATM card, credit card, CA driver's license (the most emotionally tethered item of course), 1800 rupees (close to $40), and my 4gb flash drive.
I mean, it's not like I really needed money the eve before a massive Bhuj shopping spree and 10 days short of a 28-day romp around India and Europe. If the gods had asked me when to snatch my wallet, I would've of course responded "last week", the minimum possible time to replace said merchandise and FedEx that shit halfway across the world. Not to fear, what are random other AJWS fellows in India with access to American bank accounts really here for? To support me with cash when I don't have and can't get it myself! And not charge me interest for it. Thanks Gabe. Thanks Talia. And although I haven't talked to you yet Lily, you'll be fronting me a bit, so thanks.
And now, counting downard, 10 being the one I feel the least strongly about, 1 being the most:
I WILL NOT MISS
10. Dogs - Aka, jackals. With Thomas and Abby as exceptions, I will not miss these feral, flea infested, possibly rabid scavengers of the night (morning, and day). It is a triumph to my immune system for not being bitten and not getting rabies in the last 10 months.
9. No TP - when you wanna, you know, wipe your ass, and, unfortunately, there is no wiping material at your disposal, it sucks. You know, I think I kinda like the fact that most other countries have TP around when you need it. I think I kinda like not having to carry a roll around everywhere I go. Cause, you know, I like smoothness, and cleanliness, and, as Josh so simply put it, I like my left hand the way it is.
8. Menu stinginess - count the number of people you have in your dinner party, then halve that number (definitely round down if odd) and that is the amount of menus you will receive at the restaurant you choose to dine in. It doesn't matter how full or empty the restaurant is, nor how many extra waiters there are 5 feet from you (usually between 3-10) waiting to fill your water glass after every sip you take, expect to get 1 or 2 menus at any given restaurant, tops. I seriously think my glasses prescription has gotten worse due to the countless menus I've tried to read across the table, upside down.
7. Squat Toilets - although my quads may be better defined than they were 10 months ago, I yearn for the days when trips to the john could be done barefoot, were pain free, and required no extra effort on my part. The days when it was the laziest and pleasurable of activities. Ah what a beautiful time that was.
6. Working on Saturday - at the present time, when asked if I am "excited for the weekend" or "what I will do for the weekend", I ask the current inquisitor what he or she means by "weekend". The concept is no longer comprehensible, and the word "excited" is an understatement for the 1 day of freedom that I am blessed to have every 7 days. And Indians know it too; Sundays are referred to as holidays here. I forgot what it's like to long for that period of time between Friday and Monday. Really, what it's like? Please, someone tell me.
5. Laundry by hand - unbeknown to me until recently, washing machines do exist in India, just not anywhere within a hundred miles of me. Washing my clothes by hand each and every morning has become somewhat cathartic, but you better believe I would drop the activity in a heartbeat to have my old washer and dryer back. Plus, hanging your clothes on the clothesline outside during monsoon season seems to get the opposite effect of what I intended. In other words, I've been wearing this pair of underwear for 3 days now.
4. OIL - I would gladly trade a Gulf oil spill for the cooking oil catastrophe I've been exposed to the last 10 months. Come to think of it, perhaps the amount of oil used yearly in this country is greater than the amount spilled itself! Okay okay, I take it back, I wouldn't wish that oil spill on any hapless fishy in the Gulf or down on his luck hotel manager in Louisiana, but I really have had enough oil injected into my arteries this year to last me a few more lifetimes.
3. Being on the road - Oh driving, drivers, and just plain walking on the streets in this country puts you at high risk for death, limb loss, and at least heart attack. Although I would describe the driving conditions here as "organized chaos", I would love to remove myself from the everyday dangers of massive potholes, wrong way driving, lack of any and all traffic rules, and every single car/bike/truck feeling that it has to overtake you for no reason whatsoever. I could do without hearing a horn blast every 3 seconds as well.
2. Children driving motorcycles - I know this seemingly came out of left field, but nothing gets me more fumed than this (except perhaps for number 1 below). Every so often (alright, at least once a day) I spot a child, yes, a child of 8-10 years MAX speeding down the street on a scooter or motorcycle (always without helmet) like it ain't no thang. Combine that with them staring me down as they drive by (or should I say wobbly weave by), while at the same time talking on the cell, while at the same time shouting out one of the random 3 English phrases they know, and you have a recipe for extreme frustration. Dangerous. Crazy. INSANE. Number 2 on this list.
1. People. Staring. At. Me - now, if you are one of those people who really needs attention all the time (don't be one of those people), just hop on over here and revel in the attention you will receive for the simple fact that your skin is white. I understand that people may be curious, but this curiosity just does not get old. Everyday I walk out of my house and take the same route to the office that I've been taking for the past 8 months, and everyday it's as if I am the god Ganesh himself, materialized anew, and as if it's the first time anyone has laid eyes upon me in their lives. (Note: After a few months of staring at the ground, I tried the new strategy of staring right back. After about 10 second or so, some of them turn away. Unfortunately, the success rate for this technique remains only at around 50%)
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Phew! Well that took a lot of energy out of me. Let's move on to the lighter side of this post:
I WILL MISS
10. Puppies! - what? you say they're just "little jackals"? Well, technically, you're right. And yes I do know that within a few months they'll be transformed into full fledged canines not so far removed from those mentioned in point 10 above, but nevertheless, who doesn't love puppies? I would really be evil if I put this under the "I will not miss" portion. Besides, this post is getting a bit negative, so I had to insert this picture here:
You feel better already you say? Well so do I. Onward!
9. Squat Toilets - what's that you say again? I already mentioned this above? You're right again! I did. Truthfully, you really do have a more interesting time in this position, if you can complete your session within a set time (I put it at 3.5 minutes). I think Indians know something we Westerners do not - without getting into too much anatomical detail, I'll just say that I feel a lot emptier after the squatter than I do on a Western. And that makes me happy.
8. Tiffin service - when I say this, I refer specifically to the "service" part and not the oh so scrumptious food itself. There's nothing like being a big fat lazy bum (me), sitting back, and having lunch delivered to me, every single day, for the price of about a Snickers bar. I suppose if this whole international development thing doesn't work out, I guess I could start a tiffin service in DC. Wouldn't be too oily for all those fat cat oil execs, would it?? Okay, lame.
7. Language nuances - I've come to love the slight variances of the English language and some of the Hindi as well. From now on, for me, I will always be "Andrews", Microsoft Excel will always be "eggshell", diarrhea always "loose motions", moving apartments "shifting", when injured "paining", preparing to go out "getting fresh", everything okay "tooti frooti", Skype "Skypee", scooter "scootie", milk "dood", milkman "doodwalla", the fact that I can add "walla" onto any word ever to make it possessive (and cause its funny), and (although this belongs in the first half of this post) "5 minutes" will always actually mean anywhere from 15 minutes to never.
6. Mupeshbhai, and other Indians (who don't stare too much) - this small, friendly man was my sabjiwalla, or vegetable vendor, and the smile on his face was never bigger anywhere. He took me for who I was, yes a foreigner, but a human being nonetheless, to be treated at the same level as him, no better or worse. Once you get past the staring, the majority of people in this country are extremely friendly, hospitable, and downright wholesome.There's something magical about being "the guest" and I've gotten many a smile (and free meal) from this mentality.
5. The head wobble - man, when you really just wanna say "yes", "okay", "that's fine", or just confuse the hell out of any foreigner without actually saying anything, you have this amazing tool at your disposal. The ability to break out in this head dance of sorts is something that I've become addicted to. (Note to my readers: please forgive me in advance for confusing answers via head wobblery my first month back in the states)
4. Street Food - although deep fried, greasy, and probably containing untold numbers of parasites and bacteria, the various and delicious extremely cheap and quick options on the street were always an easy go to when I had nothing in the fridge, was too lazy to cook something up, or was craving a tasty artery-blocker. From fried potato samosas to fried potato pakoras to fried potato dabelis, they really did earn the name of, as Gabe put it, "cheap, fried shit."
3. Picking my nose in public - and farting and burping. There is no alternative to having this possibility, no, this right, to just let it go whenever and wherever I wanted without shame or embarrassment. God what I would give to grab this, package it, and export it to the states for immediate dispersal (pun, intended!).
2. Chai tea - although the chai here is about 10% water, 30% milk, and 60% sugar, I love it, have become addicted, and cannot function without my 10am and 3:30pm cups. I have chronic Sunday migraines due to the fact that I am at home all day, and thus, chai is not brought to me at the stated times above. I have learned how to make chai, and will do so in the states on a regular basis. Daniel Stone, eat your heart out (if the sugar quantity doesn't kill you first).
1. Sharing - the generosity of this country is beyond measure, from food, to sleeping space, to personal facts like salary, weight, and love life. People love to share their things with you and expect a level of openness in return. It's kind of nice actually, the directness, the hospitality, the "what's mine is also yours" mentality. Generosity is hands down the one attribute I respect the most in other people and is the number one thing I will miss about India.
The last blog post to come within a week. Thanks again to everyone for keeping up with me. Leave comments below!
You have made me both love and hate squat toilets. But chai is non-negotiable, will hold you to that--
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