Words of Wisdom

Over the past 4 months, I have been privy to dialogues which have been both funny and extremely telling. You will find the top ten quotes from some of the best conversations below, organized more or less chronologically.

"Don't drink village water, unless you're really thirsty"

-Ashokbhai, to us during a lecture on keeping healthy in India. Since tap water in India is universally unsafe to drink, this man (who curiously had no professional medical background) came to our orientation to give us this advice. Needless to say, other advice received that day was also extremely questionable at times.  This is a great example of Indian medicinal practices, where I have received such advice as, "squeeze a pealed onion between your palms so as to receive the healing energies inside" as a cure for what was obviously food poisoning.

"You may not do that on Tuesdays"

-Rameshbhai, director of the Kochrab Ashram, to Gabe who was caught cutting his toe nails on the wrong day of the week. Very religious Hindus believe that Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays are holy days of the week where one shall not cut toe nails, cut hair, or do other similar acts of body defacement. On one occasion last month I was told by two of my coworkers that I could not get a haircut because it was a Thursday.

"Your nose is leaking"

-Nikhil, my coworker, commenting on my runny nose. A prime example of the difference in Indian English and American English. Some other great examples are: "my grinder is paining" (my jaw hurts), "the bike seat hurts my center point" (crotch), and, in a very straightforward voice, "how are your loose motions today" (are you having diarrhea?).

"It is not as fertile as your Jewish brain"

-Sankalpbhai, a coworker, uttered during a car ride through rural Bihar after I mentioned that the countryside was "very fertile looking". Although many Indians I know have never met a Jew and don't know what Judaism is, the few that do have given me some memorable lines. Others included: (to a group of Indians while I stood by) "Andrew's father works in big business in the US. [Turning to me] That is what all Jews in your country do, I am correct?", and, upon commenting on a lack of economics knowledge, "You are Jew. You don't need to learn finances!"

"You MUST stand"

-unnamed theatre usher, upon my attempt to exit a movie theatre in Ahmedabad while the Indian National Anthem was playing. When the Indian National Anthem is played anywhere, it is a serious affair and all Indians "must" stand and sing along. Even as a foreigner I was scolded for not standing when it was playing. Since most Indians identify themselves almost uniformly along state or ethnic/linguistic lines, this represented a strong dose of rarely seen national patriotism.

"The time for brown bread has finished"

-corner store owner, upon my inquiry as to the availability of the item. Attempts to eat healthily in India are sometimes difficult, and my adventures to find more familiar products (i.e. brown bread) sometimes meet with failure. However, occasional exotic foods appear in the local grocery store and these events are cause for celebration. Last week I found a crumpled box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Oreo Cookies and I definitely shelled out 3 times the normal American price for them. 

"You give me America visa"

-unnamed teenage Indian on the street, upon discovering I was American. After a dinner at a roadside Punjabi stand, a group of curious Indian teenagers demanded that I give them an American visa. Unfortunately, I couldn't help them. Many Indians I have met have family or friends in the US. Others yearn to immigrate to other countries for a better life, especially the USA. This behavior is not extremely common however, and is mostly influenced by Hollywood films.

"Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it is YOU who is in her way"

-Pratik, my Indian coworker, to my friend Jamie after she said she hated cows because "they are always in my way". The cow reigns supreme in India, has the highest degree of right-of-way on the street, and come and go (and poop) wherever and whenever they please. You will be absolutely unable to find any beef anywhere in India. If you hit a cow while driving a scooter/motorcycle/car/etc. you should resign yourself to the fact that your life is basically over.

"Tell your friend that in this country we do not throw socks down the toilet"

-Mr. M, my landlord, to my friend Gabe referring to me and my clogged toilet. Doing laundry is a bitch here, and no washing or drying machines means everything is done by hand in buckets. After washing clothes, the extra dirty, often clouded water gets thrown down the toilet. When my toilet suddenly backed up one day, a plumber found what I translated into a "shoe" in the piping. Completely surprised, we wondered how such an object had ended up in the toilet piping, but after remembering that I was indeed in India, no answer was really necessary. Later on, after the conversation above happened, Gabe confirmed to me that rather it was a "sock" and I quickly realized where the missing twin to my single pair had gone.

"You must not treat your stomach as a dumping ground"

 -Mr. M, my landlord, after running into me on the street, and seeing that I had purchased bread. Indians have curious ideas about what is and isn't healthy to eat. To my landlord, the processed bread was polluting my stomach, turning it into a "landfill", because it wasn't hand cooked, fresh chapaati (flat bread). A little bit of Indian hypocrisy for you, I am not sure if he had any idea what the gallons and gallons of oil he consumed every day in his Indian meals did to his body!